For the one I lost this summer

ImageI still have the box of leftover prenatal vitamins from when I was pregnant this summer. The baby only lived a trimester.

I had never had a miscarriage before, and it affected me more than I expected.

When I found out I was pregnant, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I’ll be 40 in February and my husband and I weren’t trying to have any more kids.

We already have two beautiful children, a son and a daughter. My oldest is in first grade and youngest just started kindergarten. We were out of the woods, we thought: no more expensive daycare tuition, no pricey boxes of diapers and formula.

We would need a new house, a bigger car. What about my plans of getting serious about writing? Plus, I wanted to lose weight. The thought of it all was overwhelming.

When we eventually told the kids, they were ecstatic: a new sibling to play with, to love. Still, I struggled with being excited. I felt so selfish that I wasn’t jumping for joy.

I signed up to get those weekly pregnancy progress emails, and when I saw pictures of what a growing fetus looks like from week to week, a bit of joy began to break through my apprehension.

I even began to look online at the latest in baby ware and think about possible names.

We traveled to Mississippi to be with family for a week, and my 6-year-old shared the news in an impromptu speech at a dinner party in our honor. Everyone was delighted and began rubbing my belly and wishing me “twins.”

That same night, though, on a Thursday, my body let me know something was wrong.

I was three-and-a-half hours away from my doctor, so I talked to the one on-call. She told me it was likely a miscarriage and that it would have to run its course.

So all night Thursday, then Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and some on Tuesday, I had to let my body relieve itself of the baby I wasn’t initially excited to greet. I felt horrible, guilty and heartbroken.

Everyone offered words of encouragement. Even the doctor said, “Everything happens for a reason.” I struggled with that, though. Why was the baby created simply to die before having a chance?

I just have to trust.

As I thought about all the things I feared I wouldn’t be able to do with the baby coming – freelance, flesh out my book idea, and so on – I decided that I need to get off my butt and do those things now.

So, these days, I get up around 5 a.m. and scribble writings in my tomato red, lineless Moleskin journal, send out email inquiries and whatnot, all in hopes of giving birth to something. I must. I do it for me, yes, but also, I do it for the one I lost this summer.

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13 Replies to “For the one I lost this summer”

  1. I know that God is Sovereign and why we don’t’ understand why things happen, know that your baby is in heaven and you will see he or she again.. I agree that even thou you miscarriage the baby , there are some things that you still need to give Birth too!! You will be able to help other Women who have lost their baby because of a Miscarriage go through the healing process!!

  2. Nette,

    Know that I count you among the most wonderful women I know. You are quite exceptional. I know that your life experiences will yield immeasurable blessing for you and your posterity. Continue to grow and prosper as one of God’s gifts to our world.

  3. To hear this strenght & growth-having witnessed this lost- I can only admire you more. Marie I feel that God gives each of His children task, to say “this will be hard but will make my child strong for plans I have for her”. You are proof of that growth. Continue to follow His
    path for IT IS WELL!!!

  4. To hear the strength now, having witnessed this lost, I can only admire you more. Marie I feel that God gives each of His children a task –to say-“this will be hard but this will make my child strong for the plans I have for her”. You are proof of that growth. Continue to follow His path, for IT IS WELL!!!

  5. This was magnificent.
    I know too well the feeling of Why did this child, that never came to be, have to die?
    It’s so hard to make sense of it all.
    You learn to love the little sprout growing inside of you so fast, but it can be taken from you just as abruptly and leave you, surprisingly, in shambles.
    I feel for your loss, but I’m so glad that you’re using it as an impetus for your career and your dreams.
    Every woman should have some way to get her life back on track.
    No matter how hard things may get, it could always be a blessing in disguise.

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